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LOTS OF STRESS

Yet again so much time has passed and I realised it had been three month since I last posted a blog. But the truth is, I felt like I had nothing ‘positive’ to write about and if I couldn’t be positive how could I write a blog post on my page that encourages nothing but being positive?

But then I also remembered how much people loved it when I failed at Slimming World - and I don’t mean that in a horrible way. Every time I posted an off plan meal or that I was struggling, people almost enjoyed it. People like to see people fail. Not because we’re all terrible people, but because we like to be reminded that everyone is human, in a world where we’re so used to people trying to portray a perfect life all of the time.

So here is how much I’ve been ‘failing’ since my last blog. My last blog talked about all the things I’d given up. Talked about how I was going to start going back to church again for Lent. How I hadn’t had coke or alcohol since August last year. Fast forward three month, I did go to church for lent and I did enjoy it but long term it’s not something that works for me every week. I’ve also fell off the wagon and I’ve had a few drinks - of alcohol and coke.

We’ve had no kitchen for weeks now and our house has been turned upside down in the process so any hopes of me even trying to intuitively eat have gone out of the window. We’ve been living on tragic ready meals and takeaways most of the time and if I ever have to hear the ping of that microwave again in my life it’ll be too soon. I’m also quite house proud so not being able to control the mess has had a very surprising effect on my mental health. I’ve been very stressed out at the layers of dust that have accumulated and I’m driving James mad wanting everything done yesterday. I’ve also been doing some long term supply in a school and even though the staff are amazing I’m also finding that very stressful too, they don’t make a very good combination and I have been very emotional and irritable to say the least.

It hasn’t been all doom and gloom though. James turned 30 last month and we celebrated with a week in Center Parcs and a surprise meal which was amazing and then I turned 28 on the 28th and I am determined to make my 28th year on this earth my best yet. One thing that will definitely help with that is our trip to Disney and Universal which is coming around so quick. I also went to go and see Spice Girls this week which was a childhood dream come true and it made me realise how ahead of their time they were with self love, being kind to other women and supporting each other - girl power began with them and I intend to keep it going this year.

And the only things getting me down are temporary. My supply work is making me very excited to start my new job in September in my new school. I mentioned in my last blog that I wanted to get back into teaching full time and not long after I bagged my dream job in an outstanding school walking distance from my home. It just shows what a difference being positive and being yourself does make too because I didn’t think I’d get that job but I went in and was myself, took a few risks and it paid off. If I hadn’t of got the job then that simply would of meant it wasn’t the right one for me and if I hadn’t of been myself I could of ended up somewhere that wasn’t right for me.

With regards to our kitchen and lack of cooking facilities, our cooker is going in this week so I can get back into my kitchen and start cooking again. It’s nowhere near done yet but it’ll be perfect when it is and I just need to keep reminding myself of that (or James may murder me and bury me under the concrete I’m impatiently waiting for him to lay before it’s actually finished). I’m also very grateful for our lovely family who’ve cooked for us and looked after us while we have been kitchenless - I’ve never been so excited eating home cooked meals in my life and it’ll definitely make me even more grateful when we can do it in our home again.

So maybe failing isn’t always a bad thing. Maybe failing just gives us an opportunity to try again. I’m so ready to try intuitive eating again now I have a huge fridge freezer to fill with healthy food and will soon have a beautiful kitchen to cook amazing meals in. Struggling so much over the last few weeks has made me really appreciate being able to cook meals for myself and I can’t wait to be able to do it again. My first teaching application was rejected and I was heartbroken, crying in the bath feeling sorry for myself. I almost didn’t apply for the second one because I was sure I wouldn’t stand a chance if I’d been rejected from the first one. When I did get the interview, the self doubt was still there but I gave it my all, did something completely different and even went in dressed as one of my favourite characters. James thought what I was doing was mad, but it paid off and I’ve landed a dream job I didn’t think I stood a chance of getting. I saw a quote that fits in with me going back into teaching perfectly, ‘Sometimes life brings you full circle to a place you have been before just to show you how much you have grown.’ And I honestly can’t wait to start in September in my own classroom with my own class, with my new positive (most of the time) grateful attitude. But I’d of never got to where I am now without failing and without being negative and ungrateful first.

I'd of never found this journey of self love without failing at dieting first. I recently saw something that resonated so much with me. It talked about looking at old pictures of yourself and thinking about why you hated your body then and how great you actually looked but at the time you thought you needed to change yourself, needed to lose weight, needed to look better. That is all the proof you need that it is never about how your body looks, it's all about how you feel about your body. I'm so glad I failed at all those attempts to lose weight because it made me realise that they don't work, so failing at dieting was actually one of the best things that's ever happened to me, because it led me to where I am now, complete acceptance of my body the way she is.

So if you’re feeling negative and ungrateful and like you’re failing just know you’re not alone. Even if you do one small thing to try and make yourself feel better it will help. Think about what you need - it might be a bath, a cry, you might need a nap or some ice cream. Whatever you need to make yourself feel better - do that. Try to be grateful for the smallest things. Sometimes we don’t realise just how lucky we are. Yes my kitchen is a mess, but some people can’t even afford food. Yes I’m stressed out about my job but at least I have one. I am surrounded by the most amazing people in my life who can get me through absolutely anything and I really am so grateful for them all. And lastly remember that everything is temporary, even just writing this has made me feel better than I did at the beginning. So thank you for reading and remember that nothing is permanent and the things we’re wasting time stressing over now, won’t even matter this time in a year. So enjoy your life, be positive and grateful because we’re so lucky to be on this journey.

LOTS OF LOVE, LAURA X

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